Understanding Your Spouse
Joe Igboanugo | www.marriagerest.com |
Any pertinent matter you handle casually may soon become a casualty, including your faith, health, relationships and vocation.
Whatever you do not understand well has the capacity of keeping your joy, peace, productivity and prosperity under frustration.
You might be married to God’s perfect will for you, and still live in high dimension crisis.
The most salient but great threat to love and harmony in marital relationship is misunderstanding. No relationship thrives or becomes productive when partners do not understand each other.
Misunderstanding:
• A mistake as to the meaning of something or a specific point of view;
• Erroneous interpretation or comprehension;
• Misconception.
• A disagreement; difference of opinion;
Misunderstanding is the fuel of disunity, quarrel, fights, crisis, break-ups, violent abuses, separation..divorce.
A brief look at the Tower of Babel episode. (Gen 11:6-11)
Genesis 11:6 And the Lord said, “Indeed the people are one and they all have one language, and this is what they begin to do; now nothing that they propose to do will be withheld from them.
Genesis 11:7 Come, let Us go down and there confuse their language, that they may not understand one another’s speech.”
With oneness, they could accomplish the incredible.
With oneness, they’re a formidable force.
With oneness, no power could stop them.
How was this formidable force destroyed? Their understanding was taken away!
Without understanding, winning becomes an illusion, living together becomes a nightmare.
Without understanding, issues are blown out of proportion
Without understanding, faults become apparent.
You don’t need to be a mind reader to understand your spouse.
You may be a very good Christian or a very intelligent person yet not understand your spouse’s personality dynamics.
The Scripture says, &Good understanding giveth favour: but the way of transgressors is hard.& Proverbs 13:15
Marriage is a life journey of two fundamentally different persons working together to make their differences work for them on a permanent basis understanding.
What are the secrets for understanding your spouse?
1. Develop High Response Maturity Index
Maturity is the primary tool in understanding a partner and in managing a relationship successfully.
Maturity determines how we process responses to dispositions like discussion, provocation, anger, insults, appreciation, rejection.. misunderstanding.
&So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath& James 1:19
Are you a patient listener or a impulsive reactor?
How do you handle insults and rejection?
How do you manage provocation and anger?
Does your mood hurt your communication?
Matured people find good reasons in themselves to let go of offenses
&The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger, And his glory is to overlook a transgression.& Proverbs 19:11
2. Deal with Matrimonial Myopia
Matrimonial myopia is a condition when a partner can’t see a fulfilling future in their relationship, thereby resulting in fruitless efforts at harmonious living.
Marriage continues to frustrate the partners who habitually do not see good in their mates.
Some actually see, but they see only the wrong things most of the time. They see their partners through the lenses of past misdeeds. They see their spouses weaknesses instead of strength.
Technically, we treat people exactly the way we see them. This is a major reason why &accidents& happen in marriages.
While some have a very low self evaluation of themselves, others harbor exaggerated idea of their endowments.
Low self esteem may be as a result of suffered past mistreatment. They see themselves not measuring up. It is very difficult to fare well in a relationship where you continually see yourself as inferior to your partner. That’s unhealthy!
If you change how you see your partner and what you see in your marriage, things will remarkably change for good.
Numbers 13:31-33 &But the men that went up with him said, We be not able to go up against the people; for they are stronger than we. And they brought up an evil report of the land which they had searched unto the children of Israel, saying, The land, through which we have gone to search it, is a land that eateth up the inhabitants thereof; and all the people that we saw in it are men of a great stature. And there we saw the giants, the sons of Anak, which come of the giants: and we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight.&
3. Demobilize Selfwill Through Proactive Benevolence
Proactive benevolence is a condition where a partner makes intentional choice to become what will be beneficial to the spouse’s life.
When you choose to understudy what your partner needs and give it to them instead of forcing your wants on the relationship, selfishness finds the exit door.
Submission is the victory over selfwill. Submission is a command for wives but first an injunction for us all. (Eph 5:21-22)
When God created submission, it is made for us to be able to tolerate our partner’s poor attitudes.
Generally, for a man, submission is when the wife understands respect for him and followership as her leader.
For a woman, submission is when the husband understands care and honor for her as his indispensable partner.
Philippians 2:3-4 &Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others&
4. Deploy Good Balance Between IQ & EQ
Intelligence quotient is a measure of your intellectual acuity. information and determine what is right and accurate.
Emotional quotient is a measure of your emotional intelligence.
The higher your IQ, the better your ability to process
The higher your EQ, the better your ability to connect with people and succeed in human relationships.
IQ often insists on being right while EQ thrives on giving and receiving love.
In the courtroom, hospital or an office, right or wrong determine success or failure. For example, the decision to prescribe the right drug could be the difference between life and death. The relationship between patient and the doctor is secondary. Being right is paramount.
However, in marriage, being right has little or no value. Paramount here, is relationship.
Sometimes, you have to choose: Do you want to be right or do you want to be happily married? The more you insist on being, the more miserable you will be in your marriage. Don’t always go for rights, go for love.
A high IQ + a low EQ can be a disastrous combination for marriage.
The good news is that EQ can be developed, and anyone can do it and make their marriage right. How?
Become less judgemental and more merciful.
Excuse people more often than you find fault.
Put yourself in their shoes before passing conclusions.
John 8:7 &So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.&
5. Deploy Your Social Commonsense
It is not enough to love your spouse, find reasons to like him/her and create ways to show it.
Understand exactly what love means to your partner.
Generally, to men love means more than food and sex, it means good respect.
To women, love means more than gifts and money, it means attention and friendship.
Work at renewing your emotional alignment with each other.
Consider this illustration:
Wives who think like a mother and act like a mistress towards their husbands tend to be in good charge of their husbands. (Proverbs 7:21-22)
Husbands who think like a father and act like an impressive boyfriend toward thier wives tend to have their wives under complete control. (Songs 4:10)
Song 4:1 &Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves’ eyes within thy locks: thy hair is as a flock of goats, that appear from mount Gilead.&
6. Develop The Energy Of New Things
It is more fruitful to focus on building new values than adjusting old habits. Stop struggling to fix what is wrong in yourrelationship. Begin to do new things right.
If your relationship is stressed, do not concentrate on your challenges or disagreements, rather invest your energy on building new relationship habits. Work on yourself with new ways of handling things.
When you get saddled with crisis management without developing new relational skills, it makes it less likely that you’ll ever find resolution.
7. Design Intentional Intimacy Routine
Your overall success in marriage is grossly affected by the density of your intimacy with your spouse – work at it with all dedication.
Look at these suggestions:
Do not harbor resentments.
&Grant& your spouse freedom of expression. And be open to liberal interactions.
Do not hide your FEELINGS from your spouse neither leave him/her in the dark about what you expect from him/her.
Celebrate your partner’s uniqueness and individual differences. It is these differences which make your marriage spicy!
Establish daily habits of spending time together. Praying together, eating together when applicable, playing and laughing together. (Genesis 26:8)
Learn to affirm one another daily. Be intentional in communicating your spouse’s strength.
Use conflict to sharpen intimacy. Let your disagreements draw you closer to each other
Develop accountability and mutual respect, including in the areas of sexuality, finances and other relationships.
Take time to find common interests and engage in them.
Make time during working hours to call and check on your spouse.
Arrange regular dates for two only, without the children.
Finally,
Sorting out your differences instantly makes your relationship tension free; and engenders the best atmosphere for love and intimacy to thrive.
Enjoy your companionship forever!
